A man found a sheep and showed him to a police officer. The officer said, “Take that sheep to the zoo, now!”
The next day the police officer saw the man with the sheep again. He stopped the guy and said, “What on earth are you doing with that sheep?”
The guy said, “Well, what do you want me to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I’m taking him to the movies”.

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One morning a woman takes her husband’s fishing boat out on a lake. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and starts reading a book. A game warden comes along in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says: “Good morning, ma’am. What are you doing?” “Reading a book”, she replies. “You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area”, he informs her. “I’m sorry, officer, bt I’m not fishing. I’m reading”. “Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up”. “For reading a book?” she replies. “You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area”, he informs her again.” “I’m sorry, officer, bt I’m not fishing. I’m reading”. “Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up”. “If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault”, says the woman. “But I haven’t even touched you!” says the game warden. “That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment!”.

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A Norwegian from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, took a trip to Fargo. When he was in a bar there, an Indian on the next stool started talking to him in a friendly manner:
“Look”, said the Indian, “let’s have a little game. I’ll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I’ll buy you a drink. If you can’t, then you buy me one. Ok?”
(more…)

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Le seguenti domande sono state fatte ai GCSE exams (General Certificate of Secondary Education) in Inghilterra. Ecco alcune risposte date dagli studenti sedicenni.

QUESTION: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
ANSWER: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

(more…)

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[Speak Up]

Three women are about to be executed. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead and one’s a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and so the executioner shouts: “Ready! Aim …”
Suddenly the brunette yells: “Earthquake!!!”
All the people are startled and they throw themselves on the ground: the brunette escapes.
Next the guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts: “Ready! Aim …”
Suddenly the redhead yells: “Tornado!!!”
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts: “Ready! Aim …”
And the blonde yells: “Fire!”

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[Speak Up]

Jack and Betty are celebrating theu 50th wedding anniversary.
“Betty, I was wondering: have you ever cheated on me?”
“Oh, Jack, why would you ask such a question now?”
“Please, Betty, I really want to know”.
“Well, all right. Yes, three times”.
“Three? When were they?”
“Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”
“Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever! So, when was number 2?”
“Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. Edwards suddenly decided to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?”
“I can’t believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. You must really love me, darling! I couldn’t be more moved. When was number 3?”
“Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?”

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[Speak Up]

A scientist gets on a train to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time, the scientist decides to play a game: “I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first”. The farmer thinks for a while: “I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?” The scientist thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer: “I don’t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?” The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist: “I don’t know!”.

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[Speak Up]

A young Army officer joins a new regiment. Social life in the regiment revolves around “the officers’ mess” and when the young man goes there for the first time, a senior officer kindly offers to explain how things work:
“Well”, says the senior officer, “If you like drinking, you’ll certainly enjoy Monday. Every Monday evening we receive a large supply of wine, beer and whisky and we get completely smashed, it’s marvellous. Do you enjoy a drink?”
?I’m afraid I don’t drink, actually”, says the young officer.
After an embarrased silence, the senior officer says: “Oh, well, not to worry. You’ll probably enjoy Tuesday. Every Tuesday evening we receive a large supply of unbelievably beautiful women. They come here to the mess and we have the wildest time. It’s absolutely marvellous. I take it that you like women?”
“Er, well, not particularly”, replies the young officer.
After an even more embarassed silence, the senior officer says: “I say, you’re not gay, are you, by any chance?”
“Oh, good Lord, no!” says the young officer.
“Ah, well in that case”, says the senior officer, “you won’t enjoy Wednesday either!”

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