Archivio per la categoria ‘The last laugh’

Happy Anniversary!

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

[Speak Up]

Jack and Betty are celebrating theu 50th wedding anniversary.
“Betty, I was wondering: have you ever cheated on me?”
“Oh, Jack, why would you ask such a question now?”
“Please, Betty, I really want to know”.
“Well, all right. Yes, three times”.
“Three? When were they?”
“Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”
“Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever! So, when was number 2?”
“Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. Edwards suddenly decided to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?”
“I can’t believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. You must really love me, darling! I couldn’t be more moved. When was number 3?”
“Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?”


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On A Train

Tuesday, March 25th, 2008

[Speak Up]

A scientist gets on a train to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time, the scientist decides to play a game: “I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first”. The farmer thinks for a while: “I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?” The scientist thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer: “I don’t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?” The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist: “I don’t know!”.


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The Officer.

Monday, February 11th, 2008

[Speak Up]

A young Army officer joins a new regiment. Social life in the regiment revolves around “the officers’ mess” and when the young man goes there for the first time, a senior officer kindly offers to explain how things work:
“Well”, says the senior officer, “If you like drinking, you’ll certainly enjoy Monday. Every Monday evening we receive a large supply of wine, beer and whisky and we get completely smashed, it’s marvellous. Do you enjoy a drink?”
?I’m afraid I don’t drink, actually”, says the young officer.
After an embarrased silence, the senior officer says: “Oh, well, not to worry. You’ll probably enjoy Tuesday. Every Tuesday evening we receive a large supply of unbelievably beautiful women. They come here to the mess and we have the wildest time. It’s absolutely marvellous. I take it that you like women?”
“Er, well, not particularly”, replies the young officer.
After an even more embarassed silence, the senior officer says: “I say, you’re not gay, are you, by any chance?”
“Oh, good Lord, no!” says the young officer.
“Ah, well in that case”, says the senior officer, “you won’t enjoy Wednesday either!”


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Tha Panda Pun …

Thursday, January 17th, 2008

[Speak Up]

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eata it, pulls out a pistol, kills tha waiter, gets up and starts to walk out. Tha bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks: “What do you want?”. Tha bartender replies: “First, you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food”. The panda bear turns around and says: “Hey! I’m a panda. Look it up!” The bartender goes into the back room and looks up “Panda Bear” in the encyclopedia. He reads: “Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largerly for its stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves”.


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Two Women In Heaven.

Monday, December 17th, 2007

[Speak Up]

Two women reach heaven. There they have the following conversation:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sue.
2nd woman: Hi! I’m Anne. How did you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: Oh, how horrible!
1st woman: Oh, it wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. And how about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.
1st woman: Oh, my God! How did that happen?
2nd woman: Well, I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early one day, to try and catch him in the act, but instead I found him all by himself in the living room, watching tv.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: Well, I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house, looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer: we’d both still be alive.


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The Dog.

Sunday, December 2nd, 2007

[Speak Up]

A dog walks into a post office. When it’s his turn, a clerk asks him whether he can help him. “Yes”, says the dog, “I’d like to send a telegram”.
The clerk hands him a form and the dog fills it in. He writes the words “Woof woof woof woof woof woof”.
The clerk takes the form and reads it in order to count up the number of words.
He then turns to the dog and says politely, “Do you realise that you could write another ‘woof’ for no extra charge?”
“Don’t be ridiculous”, says the dog, “that wouldn’t make any sense whatsoever”.


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The Devil And The Lawyer.

Sunday, December 2nd, 2007

[Speak Up]

The Devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer: “I can arrange some things for you”, the Devil said.
“I’ll increase your income fivefold. Your partners will love you. You’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be 100. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in the hell for all eternity”.
The lawyer thought for a moment and then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”


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Lunch …

Thursday, November 1st, 2007

[Speak Up]

An Irish, a Mexican and a blond construction worker are on their lunch break. The Irishman opens his lunch pail ans finds cabbage and beef. He says: “If I get one more beef and Cabbage for lunch, I’m gonna jump off of this building”.
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and finds a burrito. He says: If I get one more burrito for lunch, I’m gonna jump off this building”.
The blond man opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich. He says: “If I get one more bologna sandwich for lunch, I’m gonna jump off this building”.
The next day the Irishman opens his lunch pail and finds cabbage and beef, so he jumps off the building.
The the Mexican opens his lunch pail and finds a burrito, se he jumps off the building.
Then the blond guy opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sanwich, se he too jumps off his death.
At their funeral a few days later the Irishman’s wife says:”If I’d know that he didn’t like cabbage and beef, I’d have packed something else”.
The the Mexican’s wife says:”If I’d only know he didn’t like burritos, I’d have packed something else”.
Finally, the blond man’s wife says:”I don’t understand: he packed his own lunch”.


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